Parenting is a Job: The Systems Mindset Dissection

Massive doses of empathy, endless swooning and the center spotlight are exactly what your child doesn’t need.

Expunge guilt, emotion, ego and social expectation. Instead, root down to “systems mindset” simplicity. Let’s identify the goal – and then a system –  to give your kid a better chance at growing up strong, happy and productive (while assuring that you, the parent, have a life).

In the systems mindset approach to life, there are just a handful of fundamentals:

1. Keep things simple
2. Understand that the world is a collection of individual systems
3. Every result has an underlying system that caused that result
4. In improving things, stay within one’s circle of influence
5. Trying to make things too perfect can ruin your life

For the record, from 1981 through 1996 – from their grade school years through college – I was the single custodial parent of two children (a boy and a girl, two years apart in age). From 1984 until they moved on to college in the early 90’s, I worked long, long hours in my business so I had to get everything to work efficiently in order for the business to survive and for my kids to not end up on the street. From the start – and before the “systems epiphany” that I discuss in my book – I realized that raising children is a mechanical task. So I started with the question, “I’m a parent: regarding my children, what exactly is my job?”

Here are some common aspirations that parents hold for their children. Too often, mom and dad will sweat blood to insure their child will:

make them proud
be “successful “
be a hard worker
be a contributor
put family first
be ecologically aware
be sensitive to other cultures
become a good ____________ (Christian, Buddhist, Democrat, etc)
become a ____________(Doctor, career military officer, teacher, etc.)
not become a trouble-maker

These aspirations sound great but there are two huge problems: They are not within a parent’s circle of influence and they are not at the core of the parent’s task. One must go deeper in order to nail the fundamentals that actually can be affected long-term. By way of example and in order to better portray the systems mindset approach, here’s the strategy I used.

I decided it was my job – and within my capacity – to instill just three primary attributes in my children. If I could do this, everything else would take care of itself in its own time. Here are the three attributes:

1. strength and self-sufficiency: personal self-control
2. character integrity
3. respect for others

Instilling those three attributes in my kids was my “Parenting Strategic Objective.” I calculated that if my kids had strength and integrity, and were respectful of others, they would be in good shape to decide for themselves what they wanted to do with their lives, what to believe, and how to behave socially. If I could drill home the strength/integrity/respect attributes, I would succeed in my job.

Yes, it goes without saying that it is critical that children be provided opportunities, be challenged mentally and physically, and that they are channeled into a variety of learning experiences…but that is not the point of this post.

My absurdly simple “Parenting Operating Procedure” was this:  In every decision that involved my children, I asked myself what action would help them stay honest, become  stronger and maintain respect for others. I ignored the psycho-babble and the feel-good theory and I didn’t need a shelf full of child-psychology books to guide my every move.

I challenged my children to make decisions and deal with the consequences. It was my job to teach my kids not just how to find life-control, but to make sure they followed the rules while asserting that control. Systematically speaking, by not encouraging strength, integrity and respect in any given decision or interaction with my children, I added inefficiency to my task. And ranging outside of the parameters of the simple methodology would be unfair to my kids as it would inject inconsistency when what they needed most was solid guidance and consistency.

And, the flip side of the strength/respect parenting formula? I would not:

1. overprotect them because that would not help them develop the thick skin that is necessary in life
2. provide incessant praise because that would not be a fair representation of the adult world and it would spoil them
3. look the other way when there was even the most minor character lapse. No grey area here.

So as I look back to my own parenting experience, here’s how my strength/integrity/respect systems mindset guidelines translated to the real world. (Remember, your bottom-line parameters could be different and if so, the real-world effects would also translate differently):

1)      Grownups and kids together: In a mixed social setting of adults and children, the child plays a bit-part in the interaction. He or she is not the focus of it. In this mix, it’s adult conversation. The child watches and learns and is not the centerpiece of the gathering. Be kind: Give your child time to learn and grow. Don’t force things. They’ll have their day when they become adults.

2)      Who is in charge? The adult. The parent and the child are not equals. A family is not a democracy; call it a benevolent dictatorship. The role of the parent is to mentor. The child’s job is to be mentored. This positioning is the most compassionate for the child. The alternative to this hierarchy is the all-too-common (in the West, mostly) child-managed family which is semi-chaos, with the parent constantly on-alert and the child becoming detached and self-important. It’s not natural and it’s painful to watch as the family social dialog wallows in endless parent-child negotiation, with the parent’s pleading ultimately degenerating into threats. (In the good old days, an occasional swift and unemotional swat to the butt had its value in stopping manipulative BS and incessant back and forth dart-throwing. “Because I said so”  is a powerfully effective positioning statement if there is potency behind it.)

3)      Mutual respect: A child’s disrespect for the parent is not tolerated. Yes, the parent must be worthy of respect and of course the child must also be respected.

4)      Protecting the child’s ego and self-worth: In the normal flow of life-events, disappointment and failure are going to occur. Let these occurrences happen for the child, knowing they are character-building exercises.  Childhood tough-times are a necessary part of becoming a strong and resilient adult. And reject the you’re-so-special mentality. It’s insipid.

5)      Discipline: Use simple psychology. Transgressions are pointed out every time (the only sure way to prevent future transgressions). Good behavior is rewarded only when something exceptional is exhibited (because every-day good behavior is expected; it’s not some beyond-the-call-of-duty performance). In quick order, infractions diminish as accomplishments multiply.

More about discipline and respect: The parent acts like an adult and is in control, managing things. The child operates within a range of activity set by the parent and that never includes disrespect for others. Any time there is disrespect, the child is unemotionally removed from the situation – socially shunned – until he or she is ready to conform to social expectations. There is no negotiating or pleading. This dispassionate, “immediately yet calmly remove the child from the situation” action happens every single time. This tact is astoundingly effective in changing behavior while the household remains calm.  Again: The key is consistency; to take the action every single time, without exception.

I’ll say this here: Back in the mid 70’s when my kids were small, there was the beginning of a swing from a society that emphasized being a grown-up to one that encourages childishness. Now it’s the rampant social norm, with even our leaders – on both sides of the aisle – showing a penchant for taunting,  pointing fingers, making excuses, indulging bullies, snatching someone else’s sandwich and spending next week’s allowance. Nowadays it’s an uphill battle in the face of this ubiquitous social infantilizing in political, educational, media and entertainment venues. (But, the good news is that this trend may be reversing.)

Love: Never did I suggest to my children that I wouldn’t love them for something they did or didn’t do, using this cruel manipulation as a tool. My love was a given and had nothing to do with the actions I took as a parent.

The best parent is one who has simple and reasonable end-goals for the child and who systematically makes parenting decisions based on those goals. It’s a deliberate mindset that is in constant action. As mentioned earlier, I explain my own method and experience here in order to illustrate the systems mindset approach to parenting, but I will emphasize this point: If your long-term goal is to have  your children grow up to be happy,  contributing adults, don’t indulge them because doing that promotes weakness and narcissism.

Final Absolution: Once your child reaches a certain age he or she begins to make decisions that have long-term effects.  If these are bad decisions, it’s not your fault. You’ve done your job. Let them go.

Photo by endbradley via flickr used under a creative Commons License.

Tagged as: character, childrern, circle of influence, compassion, integrity, job, life control, love, operational principle, parenting, respect, self sufficiency, self worth, strategic objective, strength, systems, systems mindset